Sprinting up the hill, I thought of Joe. My best friend Joe, dead. At sixteen years old. What am I doing here? I thought. Avenging Joe, cruelly taken from an innocent slumber, this monster taking him because she was simply thirsty. I couldn't bear the thought. Joe was my very best friend, I liked him better than Amy, and I had known her my whole life.
"Come on Tatiana, get a grip!" I hissed to myself. But I was scared. No, worse than that, terrified. I couldn't hide anymore. The wind picked up, and as is weaved through my hair, it seemed to whisper "Go Tatiana, go!" I finally arrived at the top, at the monster's crypt. I walked slowly towards it.
I paused, hand on the wooden doorknob. I could hear screeching inside, as well as creaking, the sun had just sunk beneath the horizon. Fear shot through my veins like electricity through a cord. My materials were limited; I had nothing, nothing at all. I kicked open the door and felt long, thin fingers curl around my pale neck. I looked up, and saw coal black eyes, ghostly white skin and white fangs. The hand around my neck tightened until I couldn’t breathe any longer. The scarily white female smiled, exposing her fangs even further, as she jumped gracefully from the ceiling rafters and landed in front of me.
“Good Evening, child,” She said, and released her hand.
“I...”
Her face leaned toward me, toward my bruised neck. As her teeth broke through my skin, I saw the past nine days of my life before my eyes: Hunting this vampire, tracking down its crypt, attending my best friends funeral, seeing the two strange dots on his neck, and having the life squeezed from me.
As a new feeling entered my body, It felt like I was being dunked in acid, burnt and had knives stabbed into me,all at he same time.
I screamed at the top of my lungs.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
You're right, I can do much better. But looking back, I was barely 13. And it was my first ever. I will yet again edit, make it longer, and with a bit of luck, scarier. Maybe I will also introduce Joe more BEFORE he dies, so you get all the emotion.
This is wonderful. I especially liked this sentance
It drew an image in my mind. That's how I want he WHOLE thing to be, a giant painting, coming to life. You're an amazing writer, but I know you can do better.I can somewhat relate to her situation. I have a great friend, also named Joe, that I'd practically die if I lost. I feel sympathy for her. I didn't like the un-depth it had. I wanted MORE. I wanted more description, more imagery. And the only awkward part about it was when you called the vampire a It was just awkward.
#BF0000 ">All righty, but excuse me for a sec... A FEW HUNDRED!? OK, much better. before I get more reveiws to make it longer, i want to lay down some facts:
- Feel scared or the likes for Tatiana
- All the focus is getting scared of the vamp (Be Tatiana, you are growing sleepy)
- Joe is the reason she is hunting this vamp
- She is only 16!
OK, thats all.
This was awesome, it needs a little more expanding, and could be a nice short story, that is if you wanted to make it a few hundred words longer.
I liked the character, but I didn't feel for her, I was scared for her, as most would be, but I didn't really care that her life was being taken.(not that I'm heartless or anything)
Anyways, very nice, a good first story/scene thing, your writing gave me the effect that (I think :S) you were going for.
okay, thanks people, I'll play around with it to expand/describe and add on.
Hello!
Here's my review!
Key:
Bold = Words I've added
Strikeout = words that should be deleted
italics = doesn't make a whole lot of sense
This scene has great potential.
The part I put in italics doesn't make sense because you have said that it happened in the past weeks, therefore she would no longer be alive.
The parts I've done in bold are just examples - and most of them bad ones, but it's just to give you an idea of what I was thinking.
I want to know more about your MC, why is he/she really there? Why is the vampire hunting him/her?...
Overall I really liked it! Good work!
~Mo.
Hi! Since I see this is your first fic, let me just say, congrats, you know, for the first fic. *applause*
OK, time for the review.
Personally, I think the scene has potential. Its a good scene, like something out of a movie, but, personally, I think you should expand on it.
Basically, you push us into a scene, with no idea what's going on. This is better than giving nine hundred pages, so that we don't miss a thing, including whether the protagonist was wearing a tie at the funeral or not, but it's a little too short; if you're going to give us information, don't shove it all at the end.
Second, the vampire: the first thing I should say is 'Everybody and their dog does vampires'. Heck, I'm doing them (under the name 'upirik', but everyone thinks vampire)! But the golden rule is 'Add something new'. Here, all I can say is, thank God we're back to antagonistic vamps. Other than that, I feel I've seen it all before; the grace (been done since Dracula), the paleness (again, since Dracula), the black eyes (Twilight), and all that. Try being a little more novel with it.
Also, I just think that you should eliminate any words to do with 'fear' or 'scary'. Don't tell us:
Give us:
Also, you seem to not really explain much, apart from the end.
I feel like an idiot, but what is the thing curling round his neck?
And who is this protagonist, and why should I care? Yes, his friend was vamped. Yes, he's a vengeful spirit. But, heck, we have no reason to relate to him, no reason why we should care about his getting bit.
So, yeah:
Expand
A little Clearer
And a Character who I can relate to a bit,
As well as something new about our vamp.